It appears my strategy is working. You might not have noticed, dear Diary, but I can make myself very irritating at times. [The Editor would pass comment here but he's too busy choking on his Tim Tam.] Frustrated and not a little sorry she brought me here in the first place, Mrs. Wells left to deal with some new characters who've had the ill luck to cross her path. My message to those unfortunates is RUN! Do not walk, in the other direction!!But I fear it is too late. Mrs. Wells informed me that in order for a romance to have a tortured hero, someone must apply the thumbscrews. There was a light in her eye that I did not like. I feel a desperate sympathy for the unknown wretch who now falls under her displeasure, but in this bizarrely luxurious prison I can do nought. And I confess, I am too concerned with my own attempts at escape.
These have been unsuccessful as you might have guessed, since I still languish here writing on this lapd...top(!). Sven has learned his lesson after my last ill-fated attempt to elude him. He is not at all as stupid as he looks, which has been a profound disappointment. But perhaps he might be susceptible to bribes. Every man has his weakness, after all . . . [Sven has my sincere sympathies.~Ed.]Suggestions for appropriate bribes gratefully received! [I tremble at the thought of where this will lead. Too much to hope that wiser heads will prevail, I suppose.~Ed.]
24 comments:
Oh, Lady Kate, pray do not attempt to escape the nefarious Mrs. Wells. I know she can be a handful but I find your diary entries more fun than a hat full of monkeys! And if you're sick of Sven, SEND HIM OVER TO MOMMA!!!!
Miss Campbell, I am touched by your sacrifice! I trust you are aware of the damage inviting a man into your home unchaperoned might do to your reputation. Noble, noble lady, to put your good name in jeopardy to save me.
I shall put your suggestion on my list.
Possible bribes for Sven:
1. Anna Campbell's virtue
Sadly, Lady Kate, Santa gave away my virtue many Christmases ago. In fact, I think it may even have featured in a bargain bin during a Boxing Day sale. Sigh. Oh, that's right, you probably don't know about Santa Claus, do you? He's a big man (not big like Sven, though).
Miss Campbell, if your virtue was sold, I hope you made sure you were given a fair price. In the Lair I met a delightful lady called Soraya (the Duchess of Kylemore as she now is) who told me all about how to drive a hard bargain in that regard. If only you have received the benefit of her advice! And now, I see, you are forced to turn to your pen to earn your crust. At least it is a respectable living, dear. Or semi-respectable, anyway.
For Shame, Lady Kate!
Isn't bribery illegal? At the very least it is immoral. How could you contemplate such a thing?
As for Miss Campbell's virtue, anything she received in compensation was a bargain for her, or so say the rumors I have overheard here in the Lair. Not that I would stoop to listening to rumors or idle gossip...
My dear Miss McGary, needs must when the devil drives! And I'm quite good at blackmail, too, as Lyle will no doubt tell you.
I think we ought to stop bandying Miss Campbell's name about in this fashion, don't you? She wouldn't appreciate it, and I'm told she is even meaner to her characters than Mrs Wells!
I am elegantly ignoring the aspersions upon the value of my virtue! A lady need not stoop! Well, she does if she'd talking to a really, really short person, but otherwise...
Lady Kate, is there any chance of hearing more from the mysterious editor? Even a possibility that he may even snatch this blog away from your delicate hands one day? He has a turn of phrase that I find most intriguing (yeah, and a few other things too - Anna Campbell's internal editor!).
Oh poor Lady Kate! In Durance Vile. With Sven and a lapdog - uh, top.
Listen, honey bunch, it coulda been a helluva lot worse. After all, you have Sven for scenery and the Editor for spice. Ms Wells is best ignored. You might get lucky and she'll forget you. Maybe... But that lawyer's brain...
My dear, you have NO idea what the lapdog can do for you. Woof! Far be it from to Besmirch the morals of an Innocent Lady, but there's nothing wrong with a little Eye Opening.
Just quietly, if you hunt around on the lapdog, you'll find some novels by a woman called Denise Rossetti. Lay in a supply of smelling salts and Go For It!
The hours will simply fly, I guarantee! *makes big eyes*
You raise an interesting question, Miss Campbell. I confess, I do not know where the Editor of the diary is or you may be sure his sarcastic comments would have ceased immediately! Unlike Sven, Lyle is easily manipulated if only one knows the way.
I believe Mrs. Wells is holding me hostage against Lyle's good behaviour or he would have freed himself and dashed to my rescue. He is a very dashing sort of fellow, you know, and very ruthless besides. She did mutter about a future appearance on the Romance Bandits blog but I could have that wrong. No doubt we shall see in the fullness of time.
Miss Rossetti, I do like that little picture you have there. Isn't she beautiful? Like a goddess rising from the flames.
I shall ask Mrs. Wells about these books of yours. Are they of a nature that is likely to corrupt me? How interesting...
Denise wrote: Far be it from to Besmirch the morals of an Innocent Lady
Innocent lady? Huh. You should read that diary of hers.
No, you really shouldn't. ~Ed.
My dear Lady Kate, on Further Reflection, I have An Idea. About Sven. (Actually I have quite a few ideas about Sven.)
Ask Mrs Wells about things called DVDs. they look like very boring saucers, but you can use them in lapdogs (dammit, now I'm doing it) or in another box thing called a TV. It's like magic, but these DVDs will replay whole scenes of a play or another event.
Now, it occurs to me that a guy like Sven might greatly enjoy a program called World Federation Wrestling, particularly the women's championship bouts.
I'm wondering if you might be able to steal from the room while he is thus preoccupied with heavy breathing. Aren't you a mere chit of a thing and therefore very light-footed and graceful?
If this doesn't work, perhaps you could try raw herring? Aren't all Scandinavians supposed to be crazy for raw herring? In which case, let us trust there is no Heavy Breathing.
Oh, horse feathers, Aunty Loucinda, methinks one puts far too high a price on Miss Campbell's virtue.
Now, Lady Kate's virtue, that may be quite another thing. She's not so long in the tooth, I dare say. Why not offer your OWN virtue, my fair lady?
Sigh. I suppose we shall have to save Miss Campbell's honor by suggesting other methods of persuasion to use on Mr. Sven.
I have heard that dancing girls are a great inducement. And also these things called Twinkies.
Contrary to what one might suppose, Twinkies are not sparkles or jewels, but actually a delicacy of pastry. I've heard that in a far-away place called Cal-eye-for-knee-uh, they often dip these pastry-like cakes in hot oil before eating them!
I can't imagine such a thing, but perhaps Mr. Sven would find such a dessert quite appetizing and might be persuaded to release you were you to prepare it for him.
Anna Campbell said:
A lady need not stoop! Well, she does if she'd talking to a really, really short person, but otherwise
Snork.
There goes another keyboard.
Snork.
Lady Kate I've been led to believe that Miss Campbell may be in possession of a few extra kidneys. Perhaps she would loan you one with which to bribe Mrs. Wells. I understand Mrs. Wells has overtaxed her own supply of late, and by now is surely on six (that's the number, not the drink) kinds of dialysis. (That's a modern type of kidney treatment by the way.)
Oh, and if you like Six on the Beach, ask Sven to give you a Screaming Orchestra. You'll find that most impressive I'm certain.
A screaming orchestra???!!! There goes MY keyboard! Or in Lady Kate language, lapdog tummy.
Oh, now this is more like it! Miss Rossetti, you have given me much food for thought (however, I shall not be partaking of raw herring. A nice kipper does very well for breakfast fare but raw fish?)
My list so far:
1. Miss Campbell's virtue
2. DVDs -- ladies wrestling (men are truly horrid but no less so than those women who encourage them to show their Animal Nature)
3. Raw fish
Thank you! My list is coming along nicely.
Mrs Robertson asks: Why not offer your OWN virtue, my fair lady?
Hmm...
Don't even think about it. Unless you want that pretty boy's entrails ripped out his throat.~Ed
Ahem. I think, Mrs. Robertson, that you have your answer.
Thank you, Mrs. Robertson. Much obliged! The list grows:
1. Miss Campbell's virtue
2. DVDs of females wrestling
3. Raw herring
4. Dancing girls
5. A mysterious thing called a Twinky.
Miss Cassondra, you are full of good advice! I did ask Sven for a Screaming Orchestra and I came away quite satisfied with the result.
Now, I do like a good steak and kidney pie, myself. Are kidneys scarce in this strange place? I shall keep that suggestion in reserve, but I don't think Mrs. Wells will be easily swayed from her purpose. She is diabolical, you know!
As I thought--this is getting out of hand. My lady, if you are minded to let Sven give you any more Six on the Beaches, Screaming Orchestras, or any similar service, you shall be hearing from me. In private.
Ladies, I'm surprised at you for encouraging her.
Miss Campbell, I must entreat you to take care with your keyboard. I'm afraid that I became so carried away enjoying my Screaming Orchestra that spillage ensued. The keys were quite sticky there for a while.
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