Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Foiled! Change of Plan

Unhappily, I must report the failure of various stratagems my well-meaning friends devised. I have not been able to slip past the ever-vigilant Sven. I begin to doubt the man is aught but a machine. He never sleeps and never leaves me alone, even to use the necessary. Fortunately, a well-placed and highly decorative screen preserves my modesty or I'd be obliged to send Mrs. Wells a stern message.

My prison has become rather crowded, what with the massage table and various aids to exercise which Sven insisted be imported. He jogs on a motorised treadmill every day, reminding me of nothing so much as one of those poor kitchen dogs who must run on a wheel to keep the roast turning over the fire.

I've mentioned that a brisk walk in the park would be far more healthful, but he saw through my attempt to be rid of him and gave me a Stern Look in response. Sven is even more attractive when he is angry, which I must confess tempts me to provoke him.

In the end, I suppose, I shall be obliged to resort to violence once more. Reluctant as I am to render my jailer unconscious with one of his smaller dumb bells, I am gradually screwing my courage to the sticking place, as it were. It might take some time. Unlike Lyle, I do not make a habit of smashing my fist into people's faces or dangling them by the ankles over a balcony. Violence does not come easily to me, at all. [If a Certain Lady refrained from dabbling in affairs of State and blackmailing government ministers, I might not be called on to commit violence. But fear not, my lady, if living in your pocket all this time does not drive Sven to either murder or suicide, I shall count myself surprised. Either way, your troubles will be over. ~Ed.]

I have, however, made various acquaintances who call on Sven for massage and conversation. After observing this operation many times, I formed a favorable opinion of it. Sven's touch is wholly impersonal (did I mention he is a machine?) and his subjects seem vastly pleased and relaxed when they leave. If I must languish under durance vile, I might as well take advantage of what meagre succor is offered me, don't you think? [I am not a puppet to be played on a string, ma'am. You are clearly bent on provoking more than Sven with this little charade. But if you are in any doubt, I refer you to my previous remarks in re Sven and his imminent demise.~Ed.]

21 comments:

Anna Campbell said...

Lady Kate, there's a proverb - and if there's not, there should be - tweak not the tail of the tiger!!!

Be vewy vewy careful, my wisk-taking fwend!

Amy Andrews said...

"which I must confess tempts me to provoke him."

LOL Lady Kate. It's kind of tantalising, isn't it?

Christine Wells said...

This is what I'm talking about. She's totally incorrigible, isn't she? Sigh. I'm going to have to let her out of there before she damages my best (only) masseur.

Imagine what havoc she'll wreak in the Lair!

Denise Rossetti said...

Do you know, my dear Lady Kate, it behooves me to wonder if this Ed. Person might not be afeared of you. In other words - the man is a Spineless Coward! If he had a Particle of Gumption he would come riding Ventre a Terre to The Rescue. Surely he must greatly desire to preserve your Maidenly Bits from the Oily (literally) Hands of Sven?

And don't you find it more than a little Exhausting to Talk Like This?

Cassondra said...

Christine, don't worry. We'll get Sven to mix up something new for Lady Kate---she'll be so relaxed by the time she's been massaged and had drinks, she won't CARE that she's imprisoned in the dungeon of the lair. (Lady Kate, I promise, you'll like it...no worries. We do have the best dungeon ANYWHERE, don't we?)

And then of course, Lyle will be forced to keep coming 'round to check on her.....

And we can always warn Sven to keep his dumbbells OUTSIDE the dungeon door.

Helen said...

Lady Kate sit back and relax enjoy Sven try not to provoke maybe try a bit of the reverse and encourage more interaction and see where that leads !

Have Fun
Helen

Lady Kate said...

Miss Campbell wrote: tweak not the tail of the tiger!!!

Oh, now, Miss C, where is your sense of adventure?

Lady Kate said...

Miss Andrews--you have it in a nutshell. And as I mentioned before, I believe Sven is devoid of Animal Passion (unlike dear Lyle, who is positively bestial sometimes!) Therefore, I do not *think* he would molest me should I push him too far. However, 'twould be most interesting to find out, wouldn't it?

Lady Kate said...

Miss Rossetti said--And don't you find it more than a little Exhausting to Talk Like This?

Like what, Miss Rossetti? Please elucidate.

Lady Kate said...

Miss Cassondra, you paint an enticing picture, I grant, and your dungeon is truly well-equipped and beautiful (much like Sven!) but I must not tarry. I don't like to leave Lyle to his own devices among a band of swashbuckling female bandits for too long!

Your confidence in me is most heartening, my dear.

Lady Kate said...

Sit back and relax. Do you know, Miss Helen, I think I shall. It will be exactly what Lyle deserves for leaving me here.

Lyle said...

Miss Rossetti, if you were a man I'd call you out for a remark like that. Has it occurred to you that I've left Lady Kate where she is so that no great danger befalls her? I am on a perilous mission, surrounded on all sides by vicious Amazons bent on forcing me to contribute to Mrs. Wells's promotional efforts. I must resist...at all...costs...

Christine Wells said...

Cassondra, perhaps we might let Lady Kate out for a short while, if you will promise to stand bodyguard. I know you have the skills to resist any escape attempts. And the Golden Rooster can always track her if she slips away.

jo robertson said...

Lady Kate, with Sven dancing on your every attendance, I cannot conjure much sympathy for you. And when I hear your braggadocian comments about deliberately provoking your beleaguered guard, I confess to sympathy with your editor.

Mayhap you need to turn less to the massage platform upon which Sven performs such miracles of relaxation and more to your prayer book!

Lady Kate said...

Miss Robertson, you have nicked the nick! Prayer book. What day is it? Mrs Wells cannot possibly refuse a demand to observe the day of Worship. Perhaps I might slip away during the sermon...

Denise Rossetti said...

Like what, Miss Rossetti? Please elucidate.

Wid all dem big woids, Lady Kate. ;-)

Let alone the Rampaging Punctuation...

Annie West said...

Lady Kate,

My own inclination is curiously in tune with yours. Though not the dumbells, I beg. Poor Sven does not deserve such a fate, particularly after all his strenuous work mixing you 'sixes'. However, the desire to test the waters, as it were, and provoke a response does hold a certain appeal. Especially as I suspect such a response would lead to the arrival of a certain Other Person who seems to have been avoiding you while He is busy carousing with Amazons.

Lady Kate said...

Carousing, Miss West? Carousing???

WHERE is that dumbell?!

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

Vicious Amazons, Lyle? FORCING you? You seemed perfectly happy not to mention compliant the other night with Tawny, Joanie, Le Duchesse, moi and certain bubbly libations...

Methinks the gentleman doth protest entirely too much!

Cassondra said...

Christine said:

perhaps we might let Lady Kate out for a short while, if you will promise to stand bodyguard. I know you have the skills to resist any escape attempts

The skills? Yes. But she won't like them. Nasty stuff that. Best warn her. Actually I'd recommend some light leg irons so she can't actually RUN. Nothing too heavy of course--just a bit of something to make sure she WALKS through the lair rather than runs out the door when the party starts. I'm certain Lyle will be on hand to help and grab ahold of her if need be, right Lyle? I'd hate to get physical with a lady....that could get quite ugly.

Lyle on the other hand--he seems the sort more than willing to take extreme measures--even physical ones--if necessary.

Christine Wells said...

AC, don't destroy the illusion--we have to keep Lyle on his toes. Vicious Amazons, eh? As someone who is always accused of being a total cream puff, I'm liking this new image!

And Cassondra, surely those petticoats and stays are enough to hobble her. She doesn't need leg irons, too!

Ma'am, you are too lenient. Leg irons sound just about right to me. ~Ed.